If you are disgusted by this topic, I recommend exiting this page immediately, but if it spikes your curiosity, read on. I promise not to get too graphic. Drop a deuce, see a man about a horse, drop the kids off at the pool, do some paperwork, unleash the brown bear... call it what you will, it's all the same: poop.
So, how do you know, go? Many people avoid extended outdoor trips because pooping in the woods can be a scary thought. There are privies at most of the shelters, so technically with a little planning you could hike the entire trail without a wilderness dump, but that may be a bit uncomfortable.
Pooping in the woods can be an enjoyable and satisfying experience, and many times I will bypass a privy just to find a nice place to go. I would rather not touch seats and doors contaminated with fecal matter, and nothing is better than being surrounded by nature as you return nutrients to the earth, feeling the wind on your bare bum.
If you have never pooped in the woods, I highly recommend it. It's something that must be done at least once in your life so put it on your bucket list, a rewarding experience to get you in touch with your inner caveman. That said, I'll cut to the crap.
How to poop in the woods:
1. Location, location, location.
As in real estate, location is everything. According to Leave No Trace (LNT), you should be 200 feet away from water sources. If you are to break any let rule, don't let it be this one. No one wants to drink poop run-off. That being said, there are definitely better areas than others. Find a good place well off trail, hidden from the eyes of passersbys. Nothing is worse than a hurried crap for fear someone will walk up and see you doing the deed, and few things are more embarrassing for both parties involved. Huge trees and boulders are perfect to hide behind. If none are to be found, you may have to travel a bit further to let the brush and saplings disguise you. As I told Firefly when she walked into a grove of Birch saplings, "They will think your crack is a branch." Find a tiny clearing among the underbrush with good soil the is easy to dig into. Sometimes you cant be picky, for when backpacking there is often mere minutes before a potential disaster.
2. Dig a dig a dig a diggity dig.
Technically, you are to dig a hole 6 inches deep, but let's get real, who really digs a hole that deep? As I said before, you sometimes you have seconds between the desire and dump so digging a deep hole may be out of the question, especially if there are a lot of roots and rocks. Dig as deep as you can in the allotted time. Six inches is deep enough to cover the crap but shallow enough to let light into the soil to allow for quicker decomposition. Carrying a small trowel or tent stake will allow for easier digging, but trekking poles and sticks sometimes work in a jiffy. If you are a beginner, make the hole a little bit wider than you think necessary, as your aim might not be up to par.
3. Pick your position
There are many way to position yourself for the perfect wilderness poop, including the orangutan hang, fireman's squat, koala bear, crab, and buddy squat, but I will focus on the simplest and most enjoyable way. A simple squat is the most natural position for pooping. In fact, they now sell benches that wrap around a toilet to facilitate this natural position. Plant your feet a bit over shoulder length, bend your knees all the way down so your body weight is on your feet and not your thigh muscles, and boom. There you have it.
4. Wilderness wiping
After the deed is done you need a way to clean your bum. You can use TP, and I recommend this for beginners or people who are hesitant to venture into the woods. For the really ambitious, LNT encourages you to pack out toilet paper, but as long as you use sparingly and don't leave gobs of it on the surface I think it is ok to bury it. Even better, there are a plethora of other materials out there to choose from that will decompose faster. Rocks, sticks, leaves, ferns, pinecones, grass wads, bark, moss, and snow balls are among the list. Some items are better than others. Experiment to see what you like best.
5. Act like a cat.
The next step you take us perhaps the most important in your life. Make sure to step away from the deposit. Any other direction could lead to disaster. Once at a safe distance, you need to bury the poo. Take a stick or other item and carefully cover the excrement with displaced soil. If you skimped out and dug a shallow hole, make up for it by putting more dirt on top. If you are really gung ho, stir in some dirt to jump start the decomposition process. Make sure that everything is completely covered before taking off. It should look almost exactly how you found it pre-poop. No one wants their nice walk in the woods to be disturbed by seeing human feces.
All this information may seem overwhelming, but an easy way to remember it is the 7 d's of dumping: desire, distance, dig, dump, disguise, disinfect and discuss. Disinfecting is not something to overlook. Your bacteria are fine for you, but they may make others sick. So whip out that germ-x right away or wash your hands with some wilderness soap and a water bottle.
As far as discussion, there is a rating system for wilderness poops to start the conversation:
1 star: A terrible location, a terrible poop
2 stars: A good poop, an ok location
3 stars: A good poop and a good view
4 stars: A good poop, a good view, and you see an animal
5 stars: A good poop, a view, you see an animal pooping with you
I have yet to have a 5 star poop, but I am hopeful.
So there you have it. Next time you get the urge to go you can head out to your backyard or a plot of woods and let instinct take over. After you get over that initial fear you will find it to be a rather liberating experience.
** Photo credits, in order of appearance:
outdoortechnology.com
amountaintophigh.blogspot.com
fordsbasement.com
deepsouthmountaineering.com
934highadventure.blogspot.com
934highadventure.blogspot.com
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